Sometimes I think it's my role in a relationship to be unsatisfied.

I wonder who did this to me, or how it happened?

Last night I was put in a position where I could choose to either let someone have their way, or get my own. In the end, I chose to have my way, which I so rarely do.

I believe that the cause for that scarcity of self-interst is that for some fucked up, twisted reason, it causes me more pain and suffering to have my way than to suck it up and let someone else have theirs.

Shane said he was coming to get me last night after hitting a bar, then called back a little while later and proposed a change of plans - to leave me and go to a party instead. I was upset, of course, and utterly torn. I wanted him, but I wanted to make him happy.

In the end, I sort of chose to have him come get me, essentially asking him to forfeit his want to go to this party, and now I'm just all fucked up.

I feel... sad, and scared and confused. I can't tell what I'm supposed to do, now. This sort of emotional slavery, unintentionally self-inflicted as it is, is not something I'm prepared to deal with a second time, though I feel that Max heavily abused it while Shane is less selfish about it.

I think it stems from a need to be selfless and the corresponding need to feel that someone is willing to reciprocate that. In a relationship, I spend a lot of time trying to be selfless, only to find that a person will merely recieve and not reciprocate, so that when they finally consider a situation involving conflicting interests, and do make a decision in my favor, I simply can't handle it. I feel as if I've forced them to make some great sacrifice, and I'm overcome with guilt and a sense that everything is wrong.

It's left me with the feeling that I need to take control somehow, by leaving Shane to his own devices and making myself scarce so that I am needed, desired, and wanted, as opposed to taken for granted.

It is unfortunate that I create this situation for myself, thinking to be caring, kind and supportive. Instead I build an environment where I will always be there, always give in, and always put my partner's needs before my own, to the point where putting myself first just feels wrong.

Again, I wonder how this happened to me?...