I know I can be snippy when I sleep. Even mean, and sometimes violent, especially if I'm being woken up for sex. I always feel quite bad about it.

On the other hand, when someone asks me to wake them after my shower, and I'm just sort of being gentle and nice about it, and then I get snapped at... I find myself pissed off, unfortunately for the second time today. I know, it's all irrational and trivial and actually stupid to be writing a blog about because to be frank, I'm overly sensitive to these things, but just like everything else, when I'm feeling an emotion, I need to get it out.

It also comes from the intense frustration of having to be awake for many hours alone. From living with Max so long and being around him, it's a tedium that I've longed to be rid of, and the fact that it is unfortunately carrying over magically is going to drive me out of a freaking window. It makes me want to shake babies and punch puppies, kick kittens and all sorts of terrible things... Not really, of course, but meh. Blah, bleck, bah!

This Christmas has been the best in a while, and it's the first without Max. Not to imply that there's a correlation, but it really has just been an awesome Holiday so far.

Last night, Shane's family did Christmas on Christmas Eve, complete with an amazing dinner and gift exchanges. From Shane's Grandma Brenda I got a really neat short-sleeved hoodie. From his parents, Kurt and Michelle, I got a Snow White pez dispenser, a $10 Starbucks gift card, a henna tattoo kit, a pretty faerie horsie that's named Henry Hooferton, and lots of chocolate. From Shane, I got a really cool crab soap dish from Target... and inside was a $60 gift card to Build-a-Bear Workshop. Ohmigee.

From my dad I got $100, and the same from my Grandpa. From Nessa, I got glow-in-the-dark body paint, a drinking game called 1000 Drinking Games, and a rainbow penis lollipop, haha. From momma, I got razor blades, socks, eyeliner, and a lot of other useful things, with the addition of a little gremlin-like elf that she made for me.

It's just been a really nice Christmas, and it's not even over yet! I still get to go to Shane's dad's house and see what's up over there. Yay Holidays!

Bleck. So silly, to be irritated by such a small thing. I guess it's weird...

I mean, it's just as likely it would have irked me if Shane hadn't been my boyfriend, but at the same time maybe not. I mean, I'll get over it, and it's not really worth saying anything about it. *Sigh.*

It's just trivial; Shane was playing his awful metal music, and petitioning me to listen to it via sad faces and encouragement, so I did in clips and pieces. I've got my PodPod (iPod for you ignorant folks) in, and I pause it periodically to sample what he's got... so then I decide it's Shane's turn to listen to something I like, and he just sort of shakes his head and goes, "Get speakers," as if he's never shared my headphones with me in the car before.

I dunno; like I said, totally silly, and I'm not even upset, just... irked. Meh. *Grumble.*

Has it ever felt like everyone dislikes you strongly for liking someone a lot? Sounds crazy, right?

Either way, I'm involved with someone new now and so far it seems like a good match.

I just worry. I feel like I'm losing a lot to start something new and bright. Contrary to the warmth of the situation, the only thing I can think about is how much it's going to suck to break up with him, whoever ends up severing ties or why... But it was only on the eighth that things finally came together officially and it shouldn't be on my mind. I'm not actively pondering doing it now or any time soon of course, but my last break-up is still on my mind and it's not leaving me alone. In some ways it's keeping me from enjoying the future that might be with Shane.

I just don't feel like I have closure. I feel like Max owes me so much, and it's come down to the matter of me accepting that he's never going to pay his dues, nor is he able to. He feels like he's spent all the time, emotions and resources he needs to on me, and he's done. I mean, that's why we broke up. It's always going to be extremely hard for me to come to terms with because I feel like I gave so much more everything: patience, care, committment, love, compromise... *Sigh.*

Thankfully, it feels like Shane can give me these things in equal reciprocation, and that comforts me. I like spending time with him and I feel like everything else will sort itself out in the end. Time has a pentient for mending things right under our noses.