The title says it all, I believe.

I was going to write something lengthy and in-depth, but to be honest, it's too frustrating to try and explain in its fullness. I just want to cut to the end where I'm really pissed, feeling a bit mislead, trapped in a terrible way, and drowing, and it's breeding new resentment, which I never sought to have, let alone ever dreamed I could, towards this person and in this way. Reminds me a little of Max, almost.

Ten hours is an awfully long time to spend with someone, but it's a surprisingly short amount of time for a menagerie of things to occur. You'd be surprised at what can happen between a trip to Home Depot, a second Home Depot, Target, someone's house, and then home. It was crazy and amazing all at the same time.

Ever have so much going on in your skull that your grey matter just goes to mush?

My brains feel like thick grits. I'm tackling a few moral and emotional issues and failing badly.

So I've birthed a fib. It's one that's supposed to benefit me in the long run, as most lies are intended to do, but the problem is I that want to tell the truth, and badly, but without any of the repercussions that I find to not only be unfair, but ironic and selfish.

Other than that, my ex Max is on my brain, too. I was listening to some of the grossly cute voice mails I have saved on my phone... they're very private, and there because I can't stand throwing away memories. Each of them has a bundle of feelings and memories attached, and deleting them would be like getting rid of them for good. I don't listen to them, pretty much ever, because they hurt a lot. He doesn't feel that way about me anymore, which is fine, but the contrast between then and now makes my stomach unhappy.

I miss him, but too much negativity has happened between us for it to ever work without a whole lot of compromise and relationship reform. I doubt it's going to be happening any time soon, or ever. We're just going to drift and fade, and I'm just forty miles away in comparison to the rest of his exes, and we had much more then they ever did with him. He's fighting with his current girlfriend Jessica a lot lately. I get some grim satisfaction from it, but at the same time I guess I do want him to be happy, but I'm jealous of what she has. I'm bitter and angry... and working on his Hanukkah presents. Such a twisted mess it is.

The other thing still looms over me and it's creepy-crawly, ugly, and frightening. It's also, strangely enough, something nice, soft, warm and comforting - but that's the part I can't tell. It's all so convoluted... BLECK!