What is it, like, the fourth week of school? And everything is going nuts all at once.

Mostly, I'm trying to get college applications in by Friday, have my hair dyed from pink, orange and yellow to lime green by tomorrow for a school photo spread on siblings, prep for the ACT (which is on Saturday), register for the next ACT by the deadline (sometime between now and like, the end of next week), and stay on top of service hours.

It's messy, and I don't like it. To compound it, I have two tests (SAT and ACT again) to look forward to in October, which I'm oh-so-excited about, and... meh. Oh, and my Halloween costume is failing.

I'm stressing over boys - Coby, not Max, because he and I are surprisingly fine - and my fattiness. Meh.

I'm ready to drop. Being a senior isn't as much work as I originally thought, which reminded me of the senior exhibition that I haven't even begun to plan. How charming. And homework which I don't understand half of! Raaah! *Head on desk.*

Heeeelp?...

So... it's been a long time since I've been to Max's.

I'm headed there today on the 4:56 southbound tri-rail, and... I'm scared? He's taking me to a pretty light show at the planetarium though, which is nice. But I'm worried about the obvious.

It's not a question of wanting to - of course I'm going to. I was with him for three years. He's familiar, and there are a lot of feelings that we still have for one another. It's going to be hard, maybe harder than I can handle, but I hope not.

I like Coby, and he offers just the same thing that Max did, but we haven't had time to grow, yet. If I mess it up now, well... that'd be foolish. And Max just wants sex, so it's not worth it. It would just hurt in the end, and I'd lose Coby.

Oh, man. But temptation! Curse it all!

Sometimes... I want to cry, and scream.

There's... so many things going on right now.

Anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, bitterness, depression, worthlessness, confusion, heart ache, neglect, emptiness...

Boys are retarded. I want him to care so bad, and he doesn't know how to show anything. He doesn't know how to stop, and say something kind, or just... comfort me when I'm sad, know how to relate, know how to sympathize.

I guess it's asking for too much, because it's not happening any time soon. I can't be touched or held or kissed without any sexual undertone. It makes me really upset. And I'm so affectionate! Little touches and kisses here and there, and maybe he doesn't notice, or just takes it in stride?

And he wonders why I get upset... Oy ve.