As much as I love Max and think he's amazing, he's treating me like crap.

He talks about wanting to be my friend and all of that jazz, but seriously, he's been ignoring me and blowing me off like it's nothing. I've tried to tell him it was because he just doesn't want to see me, but he can't admit to that, because I think a part of him really does. At the same time, he's being an idiot and an asshole.

It was like this when we were together, too - when we were seeing each other face to face, he was spectacularly sweet and understanding. But when I went home for the week, he turned into a fucking jerkoff over the phone and shit, and I can't handle it. He can't even maintain contact with me. I mean, if that's what makes him happy, so be it, but I'm not really pleased about it. I'm not closer to anyone else in my life currently. Max knows the most about me, more than everyone.

That includes my loves and hates, various tendencies, he can predict my reactions to things, and he's become sensitive to my quirks, despite occasional slip-ups. Why would I ever want to throw such a close relationship away?

He's doing an amazing job of alienating me. He's making everything awkward and unfriendly, causing me to feel irritated by him and quite hostile. It's incredibly frustrating. I want to cry about it, but I'm done. He made me cry a few times real bad last week, and I hate it. I'll just see what happens, try and keep contact and things.

If shit falls apart, it'll be on him.

So the Amazing Day occurred.

There was beach-going, sand castles, a sand mermaid (none other than moi), swimming, body surfing, conch chowder & Bimini bread, calamari, two giant Shirley Temples with enough cherries (and cherry stems) for me to show of my tying skills ten times over; then roller skating, skeeball, House of the Dead III, more skating, and then Mary's.

The pool didn't happen because no one wanted to go after that, which was cool with me since I didn't want to push it. It still was my Amazing Day, and I got to spend it with people I enjoy, so it was pretty fuckin' awesome.

...Even though I got hit in the face with a fork, and it ended with anger and storming out and going home early. >_>

There's only one week until school picks up again.

I can't tell if I'm glad or not. I mean, things haven't been peachy this summer. Everyone gets along better during the school year because no one actually has to see anyone until like, four thirty in the afternoon or roundabout, and we grate less.

In other news, I sang on stage, and didn't forget the words or clutch anything. I might not even have smiled. I just did it. I didn't like it - I never do - but I did it, and it wasn't so bad.

Recently I've been put in a situation that requires me to stand on a stage and sing something. Alright, anyone who knows me knows that, while I may sing (constantly, all the time, in the car, the shower, and while walking the dog), singing for an audience scares the living crap out of me.

There are a select few lucky souls who have no shame or just don't give a crap; some of them even really enjoy getting up there and doing their thing. I envy them.

But my chorus instructor always said that there was an art to making people think you didn't have stage fright, and that I was pretty good at it - or used to be, and my drama teacher said the same thing a couple years later.

Nowadays, I don't feel that way. Whenever I'm nervous, I shake and smile - which is good, usually. On most occasions, the audience is far enough away not to see the shaking, and smiling is never a negative. Unlike many nervous people, there's no foot shuffling or hand clasping, but I may not be able to avoid that, this time. After dating Max, I developed a nasty habit of wanting to clutch at something (mainly a T-shirt) for comfort. Grah!

Well, if I can convince myself to do it, we'll find out...

My poor brain is all over the place, but in a good way.

Yesterday, I went swimming in a lake. Not only did I swim in the lake, but I jumped almost a story off of a tree branch and landed in it. It was crazy, and awesome, and scary, but mostly awesome. I wanted to do it again, but climbing that tree took a lot of maneuvering. That, and I wanted to climb up the safe (sandy, not mossy) embankment where we left our stuff. The one by the jumping tree was icky and reedy and stuff.

I also went skinny dipping in my complex pool, which, thinking back, is a silly and foolish idea because if I got caught, that'd definitely hurt my parents' status as residents of our complex. But I didn't, and it was risky. But amazing.

So, I have this idea for an amazing day that I want to plan. Starts out like this:

1. Take a shower, because showers are awesome.
2. Go to the beach where there is mandatory sand castle building, and someone has to make me into a sand mermaid and take a picture.
3. Eat lunch somewhere, anywhere that I can get a Shirley Temple (all amazing days require those).
4. Hit a roller skating rink for an hour or so, and play House of the Dead and waste at least two credits.
5. End up at a pool for the evening hours (more swimming; yay!)

That's the whole thing. Whatever happens in between those activities doesn't matter, but that would be a pretty amazing day, no?