I hate my life. My ears won't stop ringing.

On the plus side, I've had the first really good day with Shane that I've had in a long, long time.

Last night we planned to go to the beach at seven AM, but both of us were really sick. When he called me, I told him that I didn't want to go because of how shitty I was feeling.

Then I was already kind of awake and not really feeling like going back to sleep, so I go to call him back and midway through the phone call I decide not to go again. Then he signs on, and I start to tell him what happened with, "I called you because I changed my mind." It just kind of got left at that, so I went.

And it was amazing. I saw live dolphins for the first time, and found some really cool shells unlike any we have at home that I'm going to send back to my mom and sister. Also, Shane caught a sail cat (which is apparently -1 on the fish counter), but I'd never seen one of those, either. Then on the way back I found a live Florida Fighting Conch! He was really ugly, but looked like he could use some help, so I walked out into the surf (which is a very brave thing to do, mind you, since it's so murky and there are a million sharks) and put him out in it. Even cooler than that, we saw a baby sea turtle scuttle out into the ocean. I've never seen one of those before. And also I saw live tortoises, which was weird. They were gopher tortoises and they were really cute.

On the way home from the beach, we decided to stop at Wendy's for food, and the best thing ever happened. While finishing up our meal, the manager comes over and hands us two coupon booklets for 52 free double stack sandwiches (two patties, cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickles and onions) that don't expire until August 30, 2009. It was very lucky, and quite exciting. :)

We got one each and went home, ate them, and took a nap. And now, even though the both of us were sick, I think we're going to go down to the waterfront and try the crazy water teeter-totter. :P

It's been a good day. I'm glad it's not over yet. <3

Sometimes I think it's my role in a relationship to be unsatisfied.

I wonder who did this to me, or how it happened?

Last night I was put in a position where I could choose to either let someone have their way, or get my own. In the end, I chose to have my way, which I so rarely do.

I believe that the cause for that scarcity of self-interst is that for some fucked up, twisted reason, it causes me more pain and suffering to have my way than to suck it up and let someone else have theirs.

Shane said he was coming to get me last night after hitting a bar, then called back a little while later and proposed a change of plans - to leave me and go to a party instead. I was upset, of course, and utterly torn. I wanted him, but I wanted to make him happy.

In the end, I sort of chose to have him come get me, essentially asking him to forfeit his want to go to this party, and now I'm just all fucked up.

I feel... sad, and scared and confused. I can't tell what I'm supposed to do, now. This sort of emotional slavery, unintentionally self-inflicted as it is, is not something I'm prepared to deal with a second time, though I feel that Max heavily abused it while Shane is less selfish about it.

I think it stems from a need to be selfless and the corresponding need to feel that someone is willing to reciprocate that. In a relationship, I spend a lot of time trying to be selfless, only to find that a person will merely recieve and not reciprocate, so that when they finally consider a situation involving conflicting interests, and do make a decision in my favor, I simply can't handle it. I feel as if I've forced them to make some great sacrifice, and I'm overcome with guilt and a sense that everything is wrong.

It's left me with the feeling that I need to take control somehow, by leaving Shane to his own devices and making myself scarce so that I am needed, desired, and wanted, as opposed to taken for granted.

It is unfortunate that I create this situation for myself, thinking to be caring, kind and supportive. Instead I build an environment where I will always be there, always give in, and always put my partner's needs before my own, to the point where putting myself first just feels wrong.

Again, I wonder how this happened to me?...

He's sleeping; he reminds me of a bear,
I could wake him up, but I wouldn't dare.

A big brown mane, shaggy as a lion's,
He always wears his belt, like Orion's.

Even in slumber his green eyes do stare,
At the backs of his lids, hiding in there.

He sports the beard of satyrs and devils,
Making him quite popular at revels.

Two big ears, reminding me of monkeys',
He's always scared of getting too chunky.

Most comfortable above sea levels,
His arms, he is longing to make beveled.

Whatever else, he's beautiful to me,
That's why I call him my silly Goosey.

Gosh it's hard to rhyme in pentameter couplets... This is what happens when you're forced to watch your boyfriend sleep - you write terrible child's poetry!

...He's beautiful, though.

Oh man, I'm so excited.

College is looming on the horizon. And you know what? I'm totally stoked.

FGCU is going to be awesome. New? Yes. Necessarily efficient or quick in their processing/replies? No. Located in amazing Fort Myers? Totally.

The first thing I'm going to do when I get there is hit up the beach, without a doubt, and it's going to be amazing. Plus, I'm pretty much getting everything paid for because I'm eligible for plenty of aid... and that's awesome.

So for Valentines day, I made Shane giant, heart-shaped, chocolate-oatmeal-walnut-coconut cookies, and he likes them, which is nice.

Here is the recipe!

Ingredients:
1 cup (2 sticks, 16 tbs) of butter
1 cup of white sugar
1 cup of packed brown sugar
2 eggs beaten
2 tbsp of milk
2 tsp of vanilla
2 cups of flour
1 tsp of baking soda
1 tsp of baking powder
1 tsp of salt
12 oz (one bag) of chocolate chips
1 1/2 cups of walnuts
1 1/2 cups of coconut
2 1/2 cups of oatmeal

Directions:
Let the butter sit out until it is room temperature and very soft; don't melt it in the microwave because then it gets liquidy and no good. When the butter is soft, put it into a large mixing bowl and add the white and brown sugar. Mix them together with a mixer, or, if you don't have a mixer, a spoon or your hands (make sure to wash!) will do just fine. Mix until all of the sugar and butter is of a creamy consistency.

In another bowl, beat two eggs and add them to the butter and sugar along with the vanilla and milk. Mix together.

If you do not have a sifter, I suggest adding the salt, baking powder, and baking soda to the wet components (your butter-sugar) and mixing those in first. Then, add the flour and stir until smooth and doughy.

Next, mix in your sweets and treats - chocolate chips, oatmeal, walnuts and coconut shreds. After you're done, put the mixing bowl in the freezer for a few minutes to chill it and let the dough set.



Now, if you want to do hearts, I suggest getting a small cookie cutter (two or three inches) and pressing some of the dough into the cookie cutter shape. It helps if you get a plate and put a little bit of oil in it to pass the cookie cutter through so that they come away from your dough cleanly. Make sure the cookies have plenty of room between because depending on how thick you packed your cutter, they will expand.




On the other hand, if hearts aren't your thing, just roll the dough into small balls and place them on the cookie sheet. Make sure your cookie sheet is greased, or covered in parchment paper!

Bake at 350 degrees for ten to fifteen minutes.

I hate feeling like I'm acting like a little brat because things don't go my way.

Unfortunately, I hate more than anything when I'm being disappointed. I thought something was happening two different times tonight, a fetish party and a light show/video games. Both of them failed and I just... I'm frustrated and unhappy.

It feels like I never do anything anymore. Maybe I'm just crazy and, again, bratty, but... I don't know. What the fuck, man?

Sometimes it's hard for me to let things go.

As most of us are, I'm naturally possessive of the person I'm with at the time, so like, when he asks me if it's cool for him to talk about sex with his ex-girlfriend, I'm kind of hurt and weirded out.

I guess I shouldn't care; it's not even significant, right? As long as he's not doing anything, but it usually leads there, which is quite unfortunate. This day just gets better and better. I have a 328-question packet due tomorrw. It's thirty-two pages long. That's impossible for me to finish.

I don't feel good. I'm sad and tired. I feel drained and distraught. I have a hang-over headache. *Sigh.*

Jesusfuck.